A Letter to the Parents of Adolescents

By brother Lulumy, Taipei, Formosa
(originally in Chinese)

I am still a "freshman" in society, having recently left behind my teenage years, but during my growing process, I have had some personal experiences and thoughts that I wish to share with fellow practitioners who are parents so that they may better understand the thinking and behavior patterns of today's youth.

Emotions

Friendships with peers, family ties and love from boyfriends or girlfriends all affect teenagers emotionally, but peer friendships are most valued by youngsters. For young people who are just learning how to think independently and make their own judgments, responses from and identification with their peers are their major sources of confirmation and encouragement. At the same time, adolescents wish to prove in various ways that they have grown up. For example, they desire to be free to come home late and have the right to manage their own lives, possess a strong sense of loyalty to friends and do not want to disappoint them. Thus love and care from parents can become a kind of prison for them, as during my adolescence, when I often felt that my mother controlled me too much. Although I am now able to understand my mother's loving heart, I always used to let her advice go in one ear and out the other.

I suggest that parents make their home a psychological haven for their children at this stage. When children come home emotionally hurt by those outside the family, it is important not to reproach them. Instead, it is best just to help them heal as quickly as possible. Although they might go out again after the wound is healed and be hurt again, this is a learning process most adolescents must go through. What parents need to do is to be patient and ready to support them. I remember once when I came home unhappy after spending some time with friends. My mother did not question me about why I was so late; instead, she asked me with concern whether I had eaten or not, and hurriedly prepared some food for me. I ate that meal with my eyes full of tears, and decided from then on that I would never be so rebellious again.

As for love, it is better to teach young people how to respect and get along with friends of the opposite sex rather than to forbid all contact. It can be a great help to their personality development to instruct them in healthy and correct concepts about romantic relationships and what they can learn from them. Due to lack of experience, youngsters may not be able to understand the true meaning of love, but helping them cultivate positive interactions with friends of the opposite sex is far better than turning them into emotionless "pieces of wood."

Schoolwork

For most parents, their children's schoolwork is their major concern, because in this diploma-oriented society, it is much easier to find a job if one has received a good education. Although I have an undergraduate degree, I confess that I have never been interested in studying. Perhaps it was due to affinity that I was able to smoothly enter senior high school after graduating from junior high, and then go on to a university. On my university entrance examinations, the maximum score was 600. My score was only 180 on the first sample test in school and 190 on the second. But I made so much progress that I got 280 in the third sample test and finally was admitted into a university with a score of 300 on one half of the test.. And this score was just enough for me to choose a university only ten minutes' drive from my home in Taipei. At that time, I was moving very unsteadily along the spiritual path. If I had had to study in a new place far from home, I might have neglected my practice, but while staying in the city, I was not only able to attend group meditation regularly, but had many opportunities to participate in work at the local center as my class schedules gave me great flexibility. Thus, I became more resolute in seeking the Truth.

For these reasons, I believe that education is related to one's affinity and natural abilities. We should let things take their natural course. However, even though parents do not need to force their children to study, they should let their youngsters know that, without an advanced education, it will be more difficult to make a living in contemporary society, and one may thus need to earn a living by physical labor. Children will have to face their own future sooner or later. If parents can help them see and think clearly about their own choices, they will have no regrets later.

Spiritual Practice

During my teenage years, I often felt that I was different from others: Apart from being a pure vegetarian, I had to meditate two and a half hours each day and keep the precepts so I found it difficult to preserve my friendships. It was as if I had to make a choice between friends and spiritual practice every day. I often thought, "Why should I practice?" or "Why can't these two co-exist?" For some time, I even went out with friends at eight in the evening and stayed out until eight the next morning, and then slept through my classes during the day. No one knew what I was doing, nor did I know myself! I only knew that I longed to find happiness, but failed to find it after searching everywhere outside. Finally, I found that the true happiness that makes me really contented is right within me.

Many young fellow practitioners received initiation when they were little. So for them, spiritual practice may be just a way of life that they have been accustomed to since childhood. The concept of "liberation" sounds remote to them, because they are still too curious about this world full of temptations. If they are persistently forbidden to contact the outside world, it might prevent them from being adversely affected, but over-protection may also have the opposite result. The most influential teaching is the wordless example of parents, because the power that can truly touch the depths of their children's hearts is their earnest practice and blissful love. Because of this, even in times when I have felt low, I have never thought of leaving this Quan Yin Family for I can not imagine how I could survive a single "tomorrow" without the Quan Yin Method.

Conclusion

Why am I writing this letter to parents rather than youngsters? Because most young people are full of curiosity about everything and wish to explore, experience and find the answers for themselves. They are not very interested in listening to others' opinions, nor are they likely to follow others' suggestions. Looking back on myself as an adolescent, I was exactly like this: only wanting to try out my own ideas. But the ideas of teenagers frequently make their parents worry and may cause many conflicts between parents and children. It was not until one day, during a time of retrospection, that I realized my mother had been giving me endless care and love all my life. During the time when I was looking for the "way" and "happiness" outside, Master had been by my side, taking care of me, loving me and protecting me all the while. After I came to understand this, my heart softened and from then on I broke off completely from the concept of "rebellion."

Based on my own experience, I sincerely hope that parents treat their teenage children with true selfless love, the most needed remedy for adolescents facing inner contradictions and anxiety. For young people today do not want to be spoiled or confined, but instead need their parents' help in establishing a set of values about right and wrong, virtue and vice, as well as good, healthy concepts about relationships. Although they may behave perversely and pretend not to know the proper path now and then, that is the nature of adolescence.

I sincerely hope that my humble opinions may be of some help to young people and their parents. May all the young members of our Quan Yin Family walk securely and steadily along this great, healthy path!